I love my morning walks on the Kealia Path. I do these walks at least three times a week, sometimes four, traveling at least 4.5 miles at a fast pace. Sometimes I jog. I find this to be a time of solace and meditation. People that see me on the path, no that, and although we wave to each other or put our hands to our hearts when passing, we do not stop to chat. My husband runs at the same time as I do. We choose to do this exercise alone. It is our alone time. This has been true until yesterday when I had a strange encounter.

A woman reversed her direction and started to walk beside me and engage in a conversation. She recognized me as the leader of CSL Kaua`i and wanted to ask me a few questions. Of course, I was friendly and answered her questions, but what occurred after the conversation began turned into a barrage of all the reasons why she didn’t think she could come check out our Center and all the things that she was struggling with in her life. I did my best to remain positive and just listen. I’ve learned a lot about not trying to convince people of your beliefs or to proselytize to them. Sometimes, people just want to argue for their limitations. At one point, I found two pennies on the ground. I like when this happens, because I consider it a sign of abundance. I always pick them up and bless them. I gave one to this person. She immediately told me she thought finding a penny was bad luck. She then shrugged it off as a joke and said she wished it had been a dime.

Why am I telling you this story? Not to put this person down. I know she is doing the best she can with her life and with her outlook. I’m telling you because I’ve learned something valuable about the habit we might have of wanting to change others or help them when they do not want to be helped. We call it “flirting with rescue with no intention of being saved.” That’s a line from the musical A Little Night Music. People do not need to be saved and I am not a savior. I am someone who does her best to live her life as an example. The people who have helped me the most in my journey are the ones who are great examples to me. Yes, I’ve taken classes and asked advice of others, but only those who I look up to as “walking their talk.”

I invite us to look at our own lives and acknowledge the times we have been frustrated by someone “not getting it.” Are we trying to convince them? Are we exhausted after our conversations? In Stoicism, a philosophy lived by the emperor Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and others, which I’ve been studying, there is the principle of Silence. It’s a good habit to acquire when you are in a conversation where you realize that you are not making any headway. Remaining silent allows the other person to talk themselves out without draining your energy. Then, if there is something you need to say, you can, if it is appropriate to the situation.

No one can live our lives for us and we cannot live anyone else’s life. However, we can be an example of what it is to live fully, joyfully and to rise to our challenges and grow and expand. I believe this is the best gift we can give to the world and others. I don’t know about you, but I love having strong people to look up to, realizing that, yes, I can do that, too. When the first person ran the four minute mile, it opened doors for others to do the same. When people heal their own lives and come through severe illnesses and other challenges, it is a signal to us that we can do the same. Leading by example is worth more than all the words that we can utter.

Love and Aloha,

Rev. Dr. Rita Andriello-Feren, Author and Co-Founding Director CSL Kaua`i