I’m Deciding…

This writing is taken from my Sunday, September 10 Talk…

The biggest hindrance to the flow of life is indecision. Being indecisive is not as it appears.  You see, you can make a decision and still not make a decision because a decision isn’t about what you do, it’s about how you feel about what you are doing.

Decisions can be held up with emotions like guilt, regret, the unwillingness to take responsibility for the decision. We can say we decided, when all the time we our heart is really not in our decision. It is back in the past, living out all the scenarios that give us reason not to go forward, wondering what everyone is thinking about our decision.

I am making a decision about my ministry right now. What kind of minister do I want to be? How do I want to serve? What is my ministry really about? What is my mission statement and how will I accomplish that statement?

I say I am about awakening people to their magnificence, but what does that look like? Is it about me walking around telling everyone how great they are? Is it about making sure I make each person feel good just because I’m talking to them? Is it about giving compliments? Is it about making sure you are noticed by me? Is it being everything to everyone at the expense of my own health? Is it making sure you know I like you? Is about making sure you like me? Is it about making sure I let you know that it’s okay to be right where you are even if it is not serving you? Is it making sure that I tell everyone else about how great you are?

I’m coming to a decision about this and I do not think it is about any of the things I once thought it was about. I think awakening someone to their magnificence is about more than this.

I trained to be an actor and I remember having a teacher once who I couldn’t do anything right for. No matter how I performed the scene in scene class, it wasn’t enough. I spent much of that semester frustrated and whining that I couldn’t please this teacher. I couldn’t make him like my acting. I couldn’t do the scene right. I was sad. I was frustrated. I felt less than. I felt like a bad actor. Then one day he said this to me, “Your trouble is that everyone tells you how good you are.”

I thought…Oh, so that’s it. Everyone tells me I am good and you think I’m not. I was madder than ever. Now, I see that this is not what he meant. I was still looking for his approval and everyone else’s until one day I finally didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care who thought I was good or who didn’t think I was good. It only matter what I thought about myself. I had to decide if I am a good actor. I had to decide to have confidence in myself. I had to decide that I was worth it. I had to decide to decide all of it.

Ernest Holmes once wrote that we can only take a person so far. The path all the way home is a solitary journey that no one can really walk for you. We must each decide to walk it. We must each decide that we are worth the journey. We must each do the necessary work to find the path, get on it and let it lead us.

What is my ministry about? Yes, it is about awakening you to your magnificence, but it is not my job to do that in the way I thought it was. My job is about giving you the tools that have worked for me and teaching you how to use them. Those tools are: meditation, service, prayer, deep contemplation, forgiveness, self-love, listening within, reading and questioning. It is journaling. It is taking your power back from all those that you handed it over to.

I’ve made a decision today and it is no longer to be an enabler. I’m at the crossroad of that decision and I am making an abrupt turn. This turn is one that is not the easiest turn for me to make. I could easily leave part of my heart down the other road. However, like all true decisions sometimes you just have to close the door and move on.

I remember someone telling me something about the actor/director Robert Redford. They thought he was a hardnose because he didn’t want to hear about how he knew this person in the past. Robert said, “I never look back.”

I thought he was a hardnose too. How could you not look back? How could you not want to reminisce with someone about old times and the way you used to be? Robert had made a true decision and that was that life was happening now. Life is moving forward. He had work to do and what he was in the past or who he knew in the past had nothing to do with that work. And, if it did, then they better get in the now with him.

Often times, I am asked to go back to my life in LA and how things were in my old Center. That doesn’t feed my present anymore. Those that remain my friends do, but we are in the now. We rarely discuss who we were then. Who are we now? What are we doing now? What’s working now? What’s not working now?

Life is about now and decisions are made in the now. We can decide to be in the now or not. I decide now to be now with what I have now. I decide to act now. I will not be like the godfather, who said, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”

We cannot be pulled back in if we have made a true decision. We might decide to take another turn or go in another direction, but a mind once expanded cannot return to its original size. What’s your decision today?

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