I am one who encourages others to let go of their pasts and to move into the present. Then why am I taking the time to completely review my past under the guise of my one-woman show, “How I Came to Me…n”?
As you can see from the title, I am reviewing it through my experiences with men. Why would I go back and do this? I’ve been asking myself this question many times during this long rehearsal process of six months. The answer has changed over and over again, but today something came to me during a meditation. It’s all about my voice as a means of expression.
I am a minister and I use my voice all the time. I’m not talking about my vocal chords or the physical apparatus that speaks me. I am talking about the deeper Spirit that speaks me. The place within me that has something to say and wants to use my greatest gift – my singing voice.
To be honest over the last decade, I’ve shut my voice down. I’ve felt inadequate and I’ve put a muzzle on my high soprano, because I felt that perhaps I needed to be more modern and belt. But, I’ve never been a good belter and my soprano is my true identity. Well, she’s finally back. She represents my voice unrestricted on all levels.
This morning during meditation, the voice within said, …”what you need is to go back to your theater days when you couldn’t wait to get to that audition or rehearsal, when you were filled with life and passion for your music, when it was just pure joy, uninhabited and free. Nothing has changed, but your perception of what you think you are hearing. Go back and bring her here to the present.”
As far as the men of my life are concerned, they are just representations of me looking for acceptance before I found myself. They are my shadows, my insecurities and my voiceless self. They were rebellions within me, covering up my true desire to be the real me without any restrictions or anchors to hold me down.
So, for all of us…is it necessary to pull up your past? Some of us do not want to. We feel it is better left buried. “Move on,” we tell ourselves. “That doesn’t matter anymore.”
It all matters a great deal if it is holding you back from full expression. Pulling it up and facing it for what it is, accepting it for what it was, and knowing that there are gifts you take with you and gifts you just shed, makes for healing.
I am grateful that I am taking this journey. My Spirit whispers to me that it is the best thing I’ve done in a long time. I await the revelation of even more on opening night. I’m going back and I’m glad. I fear not because I have a partner called my God Self that is taking the journey as and through me.
Love and Aloha,